On December 26th, my brother Christian said goodbye to this life. Just like that. All of a sudden. In his mid-50s. The doctors at the hospital tried to resuscitate him for 40 minutes. Horrible to imagine! As a child, I admired my big brother. He was a really cool guy and I was very proud of him. We went to the same grammar school and all was good with my world.
What happens to you when you loose a family member out of the blue is hard to describe. Something suddenly appears that you cannot imagine and for which you are not prepared. Grief is a collective term for all the uncontrollable feelings that come over you. A mixture of helplessness, numbness, anger and sadness — mixed with the worry of being complicated and uncomfortable for those around you. My feelings are constantly changing. Grief is volatile, confusing and definitely not linear.
In our society, we are used to share feelings like joy, happiness and love. The topic of death is often left out. Yet dying is part of reality. There are also dark feelings like fear, powerlessness and loneliness. This side is just as real as the other. I am in the process of discovering the diversity that lies between black and white and not being afraid of the fact that the world is ambiguous and that good and bad as well as light and heavy can lie close together. Both are true.
Oh my dear brother heart, I feel your soul is free where you are now. And that you are in flow and at peace. We will meet again one day. But not yet — I still have a lot to do ;-). Spread your wings and fly ahead.