For me, dignity means recognising my own worth and living accordingly. That was a long learning process for me. Because the way I grew up, I always believed that I had to give and do a lot in order to be liked and respected. I always hoped that my helpfulness, love and dedication to others would be recognised and appreciated.
In my early 30s, I start my first therapy and I am grateful to my therapist for the great foundation in self-reflection I have learned. At our first session, she asks me to set up my family with the help of cushions. When I have finished – 4 cushions are now lying directly on top of each other – she asks me where I am in the pile. “Well, right here, at the bottom,” I reply. She looks at me with a loving smile and replies: “So you’re carrying your whole family!”
More than 20 years have passed and I look back with humility, especially on the last five years. I separated from my husband at the end of 2018. Our behavioural patterns intertwine in a perfidious way. So we slipped unnoticed into co-dependency. After 19 years, I am completely empty: I don’t know who I am, what I stand for and what is important to me. Leaving my husband is the first step to reclaiming my dignity. The anger that I have built up over 4 decades is helping me to free myself.
My imprint will stay with me for a lifetime and with it the danger of slipping into repetitive patterns. However, after so many years of transformation and healing work, I can say that I know my worth and consciously follow the path that feels right for me.
I am not fully healed
I am not fully wise
I am still on my way
What matters is that
I am moving forward
(Diego Perez)
And so I take one step at a time. The next one will hopefully take me back to Tel Aviv soon. My longing for this place that feels like home is indescribable. I’ll keep you up to date. Shalom, my loves!