Today I discovered a blind spot and felt a glistening anger. This anger is very old and has been eating its way into my system like lava. I’ve never been allowed to feel it. I’ve always had to be considerate. An ability has emerged from this consideration. Namely, to develop an understanding for the context of the other person. And not to take my own needs ‘too seriously’. Over the years, this has created a habit and a huge empathy gap. After my separation, I worked through some of my anger and was able to fill the empathy gap somewhat. Now the time seems to have come to shed more light on this section.
Klaus Grawe, who has spent over 40 years researching the effectiveness of psychotherapy, says that everyone strives to harmonise their basic needs. If there is a violation here, inconsistency arises – inner stress. To avoid having to feel this inner stress, we fall back on old patterns – deeply rooted beliefs about ourselves, others and the world. In my case: ‘I must not be angry, otherwise I will be punished, reprimanded and devalued’.
I am fascinated that Klaus Grawe is switching on the light for me right now with his consistency model. After all, Grawe is the main character in my final thesis for my Scientific Trainer training, in which I will soon be underpinning my coaching method with neuroscience.
It is about self-regulation of my unprocessed neuronal pattern. By looking at myself, I can allow my emotions, mourn the old and then let it go. Letting go is a very conscious decision. It is difficult at the beginning, scary in the middle and redemptive at the end. Because from that moment on, we are once again able to develop the next steps and strategies. This is precisely where our opportunity lies: our brain is changeable – we can create new inner paths at any time.
Anger is good.
Because it is something ‘active’ and gets me into action.
And when I let go, I have my hands free for something new.