Whilst searching for a specific photo in my media library the other day, I stumbled across this image – a children’s carousel at the funfair in Hamburg. I have no idea what made me to capture this scene two years ago. But today it really caught my attention. Because it captures the different modes my system switches to: fighting fires, step on the gas, need for security. And I wonder, who decides the mode at my inner control centre? Is it a conscious process? And where is the fun part in it – the fun that’s discreetly hidden as lettering in the background of the picture?
Our brain is wired for predictability and energy efficiency. The aim is to save energy and to recognise dangers. Because after all, the unknown can be perceived as a danger. That is precisely why routines (my morning yoga!) and familiar situations help. They give us a sense of security so we use less energy. It all makes sense to me. But what if that’s just too monotonous for me right now? It feels for the, that my subconscious is in the driver’s seat: the road is clear, the cruise control is set to a comfortable 120 km/h, and at every other service station sandwiches are served and a nap is required. Yes, you could do that. Sounds cosy. But is that what I want? Absolutely not.
Perhaps it’s because of my age; I’m more acutely aware of my mortality and feel I haven’t lived enough yet. I’ve lost ten years. Ten years I spent lingering too long in an unhappy relationship. I don’t need to go bungee jumping or conquer Kilimanjaro. What I need are genuine encounters with people who have depth and curiosity. People who don’t always have an answer to everything. But who love exchange and reflection on equal terms – just like me. Usually, there’s only one thing that helps: getting out of the roundabout and actively leaving the dreariness of everyday life behind. That’s why I want to get out of Hamburg more often this summer. And travel to places I don’t yet know. Let’s see how that goes. At least I’ve managed to arrange a last-minute visit to my friend Ulvi in Munich. That’s a wonderful starting point.
And that’s exactly where I feel it – the energy and the dopamine.
And I know instinctively: that’s what drives me.