Edith Piaf once said: ‘Life is wonderful. There are moments when you want to die. But then something new happens, and you think you’re in heaven.’ I know these moments – the ups and downs when black and white shake hands. For decades, my well-being unconsciously depended on the behaviour of those around me – a dependency I couldn’t control.
This feeling of dependency arises because I develop a pattern of adaption as a child. I quickly realise that love in my family is conditional and that I have to earn it – through performance, consideration and care. This is very convenient – for my family and friends as well as for my husband. My entire system is programmed not to cause any irritation. As a result, I am controlled by external forces like a pinball and suppress my own feelings and needs – until one day the anger rises up and sets me free.
The first pattern shift comes after my breakup. I am too empty and powerless to be a people pleaser. Close companions distance themselves from me – instead of catching me. This plunges me into deep self-doubt. I continue to work on my issues, shine a light on my dark corners and begin to regulate myself – until my system gradually stops confusing attachment with pain.
The second shift comes shortly after my brother’s death. Two long-standing friendships fall apart at once. I seem to be moving from a survival self to a life self. At the expense of old bonds that relate to a self that no longer exists.
This summer, another old friendship fell apart. Yes, it hurts. But the loss is no longer a threat to me. It is my teacher. The energy that used to go outwards, I now bring inwards.
That is living integrity for me. When light and shadow complement each other.